MAN SUSPECTED TO USE STEROIDS, SCIENTISTS BAFFLED, CAT REPORTED TO BE DISSECTED

"I swear I didn't drink Coke." - Bryan Habana, Rugby Star (One of the Beatles 2nd choices)

Of all the most serious choices in Bryan's career, this was the upmost ever. Could a cheetah lose to a man who can't go as fast as... it? Cheetah can go 70, Man can go... like 19 or something.

Prior to the race I made a bet with my friend Matt Wauters. He bet blindly on the cat because "I fed him a cobra. He likes to sleep for weeks after he eats them, that's how I know he likes them. I like them too-" and then he passed out. An ambulence came and picked Matt up but not before I left him to die to vultures nearby. Luckily the car ran out of gas and Matt hasn't called me back to tell me what happened. Bastard.

But since he used all our money on his bet and left none for mine, I was left to watch the stupid cat lose every fucking race. One round passes, the cat wins. I suspected to see a poster of a naked cheetah girl cat furball across the track, but to my surprise it must have been taken down between races. Ah, a warm up... good, that one didn't count.

After seeing the cat win however, I decided to go change the bet. I went all in on the cat winning, but they already took my money and said that wasn't a warm up. I punched a soda machine, hard. Really hard. Coke came out. I drank it. I threw the can into the running field.

The cat lost.

Pissed off to hell, I had to look at the cat's paw to make sure the can got jarred right into his little furry kitty paw. NOTHING. But what was interesting in a slow-mo clip they played afterward on a Cherity-for-Christ Jumbotron 8000 to Heaven. It showed a little blury "food" attached to the line, which CNN claims to be an "eight-pound leg of lamb attached to teddy bear."

The following images are really what is on the line:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here we can see a figure of a small army midget attached to wire.... so far we can suspect that this is not merely a Man vs. Cheetah race, that it is now a DEATH RACE CAUSING PREJUDICE AGAINST MARINE MIDGETS. This picture was taken by our X-Ray cameras (don't ask how we got them) for the finish line snapshot, but we also got one in night vision too. Yes, it was day:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There you have it folks. Bryan hooked on a G.I. Joe onto the line at the last minute. Everyone knows a cheetah's greatest fear is a small plastic man with a M-249 Squad Automatic Weaon. It's very tiny, but it's real.

TOA Sports interviewer... Matt.......Wauters... after miraculously recovering from 80 oz. of snake venom reported that he found out some interesting information from Mr. ASSCAP THAT OWES ME $900:

"So what, I put the G.I. Moe on the line. I'm a cheetah."

Confused, Matt's head exploded.

Poor Matt, but what's the bigger worry here is that cheetahs never win. It sucks, they're going extinct. Which is why Bryan came there to first place, but he cheated on a cheetah which makes him a cheater who cheated on a cheetah.

"Cheetahs are in imminent danger of being classified as an endangered species," according to De Wildt officials. "Nearly a century ago, there were more than 100,000 cheetahs in the wild in Africa. After dissecting many of them, we still can't figure out why they keep dying off. We continue dissecting as many as we can until we figure out what's causing them to be endangered."

-Ryan Metcalf