POLICE TAKE CAT INTO CUSTODY WHILE SHOOTING ITS ENTIRE FAMILY IN A MEXICAN STAND-OFF.

"Wanna play Twister? Bitchin', take off all your clothes. Now bend over. Let me get the butterscotch. Now, the scotch. And now, the scotch tape. " - Ghandi

Like a re-inactment of what you should see on Animal Planet, a small bombay kitten with the name Merlin found itself mysteriously drawn to a mail truck conveniently imposing on its territory. Without hesitation, the kitten gasped and charged with a stunning speed of 5,048 MPH straight into the exhaust pipe behind the truck and out through the front windshield.

"Zë kittën vas fünd in z'all in vonë vëry güd piëcë-ah," says German Biologist Kevik Whitevich as he spitted all over my face. But something was missing from this crime. Why did the cat suddenly see the truck as an invader?

"I didn't know what else to do, but it was in that exact moment - I breathed like a dragon and wanted to bake that mail truck 4,000,000°F until it glowed sapphire. You could see it from space. If it meant I get sent to cat prison for months (they're years for us, a-holes), then do me a favor. Eat my appendix, I think I have one?" - Cat

That was the last moment we saw the kitten before he was shot up with one gallon of rat poisoning. It was a tough day for many.

But what happened to the mail truck you may ask?

It still roams, day by day. DELIVERING. It delivers pain, doom, suffering, chaos, distraughtness, bad memories with Prince, death threats sent to grandmothers, packages filled with snake venom sent to thirsty immigrants... It's out there, and it needs to be stopped. Don't worry, it can be taken down by a modern day rocket launcher or napalm.

Ryan Metcalf