VICE PRESIDENT IS A WEAK GIRL IN A MAN'S BODY.

"When I go to the toilet, I lift weights and smoke cigars. Then if the mood is right, I'll pull out a dirty magazine or two. NOW do you call me a girl? " - Thomas Aquinas

Let me tell you folks, not one day goes by when I stare down this man's face like a dartboard. Metaphorically of course.

I would compare Cheney to a shiny, new red apple. Just sitting there in a fruit basket, all fruity with the other fruits gathering around his skin. Feeling it, rubbing up against it, maybe even letting go of its fruity juices when no one's around... but I am like a raging, hellbent monkey with a ferocious appetite ready to physically torture any fruit to come near me. If this does not shape an image in your mind that I absolutely adore Cheney, I don't know what will.

No, I do not like him. In fact, I can take him. I know I can take him, except many news reporters will report another story while we fought on the San Francisco Bay bridge as I used my Tae Kwon Doe on chaney like Jet Li in Fearless. Infact I had learned so much, I had accidentally turned into Jet Li for 57 seconds.

Yes, that crowd was all there. I stayed afterward to give out autographs, it's the least I could do. But what did one reporter learn after all this? I'll tell you, it's something HE said:

"I usually breathe fire, fart shrapnel, play guitar so loud it'll make you puke diaries of victims who also heard my guitar playing and jammed pencils into their ear lobes while slobbering green slime... but today we fight like men. Today, pride is something we c-"

I hurled my foot into his crotch right then and he exploded like Agent Smith at the end of the first Matrix. Pieces of Cheney were everywhere, flying in all directions, swarming and making formations to reassemble. But something horribly wrong happened as he came back together. He didn't tie his shoes. I cleverly stomped on the ground and the second he took a step, he fell ass last into asphault with his face first. He used his leg to break his fall, then shrieking like a baby. For hours. News reporters were then piling up at the scene as I walked away, into the sunset, a hero.

We'll finish this another day, Cheney. Kiss your mom for me.

Ryan Metcalf