LEWIS "RACOON" LIBBY MASTICATES A JOGGER HE FOUND AT MCDONALDS, GAY PRIDE PARADE.

"Jogging is like a sport, with no rules, no game, no players... Okay so it's not a sport, but neither is gay masturbation. I know from experience." - George Washington

McDonalds is a proud sponser of the Olympics but heavens they have certainly found something else to market to - Zombies. It was actually 40 years ago this town became cannibalized, no one really did anything about it because everyone that found out was immediately breakfast. Which explains why we have no reports with information about the town.

But how does this affect other modern Americans? Who better to ask, than Jessica Simpson. "He is certain to go to virtual prison if he's like, you know, virtually guilty. Do fish biscuits have more than 89 calories?" With this piece of evidence, police say they have clued into what may have caused zombie-ism. So have we.

Cartoons. Ones featuring this bastard. This fatass screwed over every single living person left in the 60s and 70s in Racoon City. So much now, that there's no turning back. He only has a few words to say for "an apology."

"Doin' rocks ain't what you think. It's like sailing on a boat while pouring oil all of yourself, lighting a match and letting it go. Yeah, I'd rather burn into a mouse skeleton than eat another mouse. Unless I had gravy. And corn. And lettuce. And tomatoes. And sulfur. And rotten eggs with pieces of cow in it. I like cow. Want some cow? Just a sec-" -Speedy Gonzales

I stuck an ice scraper into his belly button and he imploded. I guess you weren't quick enough for that, Speedy Gayzales. I walked out of his mansion and onto the streets of Mexico when...

The CIA came to me. The place was swarming with helicopters, so I had to run. I ran deep within a jungle nearby. Men in camoflauge suddenly appeared left, and then right, and then up, and then down, and then infront, below, behind, way over near the river, another peed on my shoe, and one pulled out a rubber chicken and made Al Pacino quotes. I ran quickly in the other direction, if there was one. Soon, I fell. I fell into a strange room with wood all around me, but I could hear something growling.

Something, not human.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This... was the end. Don't do drugs.

Ryan Metcalf