SOLAR-POWERED CALCULATOR CONVICTED, ROBOT FORCED INTO DEATHMATCH, TICKETS WORTH 500 TRILLION.

"WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! WILLY WONKA! " - Willy Wonka

At a local gas station in Mexico City, 500 people won the lottery at the exact same time with the exact same ticket. Soon after the news of their winning, 499 of them were so shocked they simultaneously turned inside-out, guts everywhere, blood all over their houses - but finally their families can eat.

I could almost just stop there.

A local drunk construction worker Antonio Kalachez, the last non-inside-out but very gay winner, had an idea of what he would do if his Mega Millions ticket paid off.

"Go like, to the sun and stuff?"

This idea. Tie himself to a nuclear missle with some chicken wire and thrust himself at mach-8 into the deep vacuum of space and explode in the sun.

Though this may not cost him $370 million, he demanded the rocket be made out of platinum, gold and Babe Ruth baseball cards.

"I'm the Aerosmith of space. My husband is a camel and my adopted children are pine cones. Launch me, ass rake."

It then took him 5 hours to realize he was talking to a fire hydrant, but he finally threw himself up. He of course, stopped halfway in the air, changed direction, made an air force fighter jet 1080°, and exploded by flying into a kite.

The lottery robot watched it happen. He smiled, but was then immediately cut in half by a pair of hedge clippers. Here are the winning numbers:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryan Metcalf